Communication in healthy male-female intimate relationships: An Irigarayan analysis of Lopes-Curval's Toi et Moi

This research considers how feminist philosopher Luce Irigaray’s (2000, 2002, 2006, 2008, 2013) ideas for developing healthy male-female intimate relationships are communicated in Julie Lopes-Curval’s (2006) film Toi et moi. The film offers comparisons of communication between two sisters, Lena (Marion Cotillard) and Ariane (Julie Depardieu), and their partners as each sister moves from a disrespectful, unsupportive relationship to a respectful, supportive relationship. For each sister, the unhealthy relationship is hierarchical as the woman’s subjectivity is not considered by the man. In contrast, the healthy relationship is egalitarian as the man shows respect for the woman by listening to her and supporting her development. After leaving their unhealthy relationships, both sisters take positive directions in life toward their personal growth as individuals.

The research begins by distilling a model for healthy male-female communication that contains four primary ideas based upon Irigaray’s work. Firstly, for desire to remain, the man and woman must remain two, and neither partner must appropriate the other nor allow appropriation of themselves. Secondly, each partner must be able to self-affect, which means to respect themselves. Thirdly, the relationship between the man and woman must be reciprocal, and lastly, the man and woman must be special for one another.

The male characters in the film provide role models for both how and how not to communicate with a woman to develop and maintain a healthy relationship. The unhealthy male communication in the film is well described using aspects of coercive control, not physical violence. According to ANROWS, “Coercive control is a course of conduct aimed at dominating and controlling another (usually an intimate partner, but can be other family members) and is almost exclusively perpetrated by men against women” (p. 1).

The comparisons presented in this film are delivered from a woman’s perspective and offer the potential for audiences to learn more about healthy communication in intimate partner relationships. The research could be used by scriptwriters and directors to create other films about healthy relationships, as well as in teaching to help students recognize unhealthy communication and learn communication strategies for cultivating healthy relationships.